I used this recipe from Glow Kitchen as my starting inspiration, but I didn't have enough soy sauce. Rummaging through Jim's fridge, I found what I assumed to be another steak-sauce imitation. Boy was I wrong.
I opened the cap and took a sniff, then took a taste, then another taste. I was impressed. It (thankfully) lacked that weird taste of worcestershire sauce that always put me off to it, with a pleasing punch of umami and the just right balance of sweet, savory and vinegar-y.
I also skipped the nut butter in the original recipe, because measuring nut butter is such a pita. I upped the chili powder (because I had like 2 tsp left, so why not), and used our broken-toum-cum-garlic-oil in place of the garlic and oil.
After mixing up the sauce and marinating the tofu (just because I had other things to do, not because it necessarily needed it), I used a hot stainless steel pan with oil to cook up half the batch. I used a generous glug of oil, which the tofu ended up soaking up. It kept it from sticking to the bottom, but I think it turned it unnecessarily greasy. The other half of the batch I microwaved for 5 minutes, since I remembered reading about this technique in another cookpad recipe. Apparently it's supposed to dry out the tofu a bit more, which gives it a meatier, chewier texture. I don't know how much it helped, to be honest. Which is why I really want to try giving the frozen tofu method that I saw on norecipes.com a try.
To be fair, the tofu turned out great, even if a bit greasy. But once it was mixed into the chili you could barely notice. So if I did it again, here's what I would do:
Ingredients
1 block of tofu (16 oz)
2 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce*
2-4 tbsp Country Bob's freaking-amazing All Purpose Sauce*
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp chili powder
2 tsp garlic oil (from your failed attempt at toum; or 1 tsp garlic powder and 1 tsp oil)
1/2 tsp black pepper
*If you have neither, you could substitute tomato paste or ketchup (no more than 2 tbsp total), anchovies/anchovy paste, marmite, fish sauce, or basically anything else that qualifies as an umami bomb. More soy sauce if you're absolutely desperate. But adding an even amount of each is best in order to ensure that no one flavor will overwhelmingly stand out. Or, if you're using it in a specific type of dish/cuisine, you could up the flavor that matches the cuisine.
Freeze the block of tofu in it's packaging for at least 24 hours. When you're ready to use it, defrost in a bowl of water (like you would meat), or leave it in the fridge the night before. Open the package, drain, and gently squeeze. You could probably even defrost it in the microwave if you're impatient, since that shouldn't have an adverse effect on the texture (we just froze it, for chrissakes).
Now, at this point, Marc recommends rehydrating the tofu and rinsing it to get rid of the soy flavor. Since we're going to be marinating, you won't be able to taste the soy flavor (if you do have a problem with, which I don't), and we're also going to be adding some liquid back in. So let's skip that. Set the block of tofu aside for now.
In a large bowl, thoroughly mix all the other ingredients. Crumble the tofu with your hands into the bowl, then thoroughly mix until the tofu is well coated.
Heat up a pan that is NOT non-stick. Stainless steel, cast iron, whatever. I can't guarantee results in non-stick pan. Add about a tablespoon of oil with a high smoke point (like grapeseed). Heat on med-hi until shimmering. Add about half of the tofu, or as much as you can without crowding the pan. This next part takes awhile, so just be patient. Stir fry the tofu, scraping from the bottom as necessary (using a wooden/plastic utensil), and turning down the heat if it starts to burn. Keep going until the tofu turns into beautiful, brown, crispy crumbles. It will happen, I promise. Just be patient and don't burn it.
When the first batch is finished, repeat with the second batch.
I would not recommend letting the tofu sit in any sort of liquid after you've done this. My guess is that would rehydrate the tofu and it would lose it's crispy-meatiness. For the chili I made, I added it a generous amount on top like a garnish. It didn't get soggy during the course of the meal, but if it were to sit overnight in the chili in the fridge, it probably would.
If you're serving with chili, top with a dollop of greek-yogurt-sour-cream (1 tsp white vinegar to 1/3 cup greek yogurt--because I always have greek yogurt in my fridge but never sour cream!).
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